This is the remembrance I delivered on Nov. 17th, 2011, at the memorial service for my father in law, Dorsey F. Davy (1922-2011)
I tend to agree with Woody Allen, who
once said, that 80% of success is just showing
up. Certainly this is true of Dorsey, my
father in law, who made it a point to show up at all the times you really wanted
and needed a parent to show up. My first
encounter with Dorsey was on a trip to meet Doug's family in California. There he was-- at the top of the escalator at
SFO, eager to meet me, and excited about showing me the sights of San Francisco
and the Bay. The following summer Doug
and I were working in northern Arizona and Dorsey drove from California to share
our four-day mid-summer work break.
When Doug and I married a couple of
years later, Dorsey ventured from California to my hometown in Kentucky, to
attend our small wedding. It is there he
met and stayed with my parents, and got to know my family. It connected us in a way that he would always
remember and it is a trip that he would often recall to me, even quite
recently. Within a year of that trip
both of my parents died. I was 22 years
old and from then on, Dorsey became the parent figure in my life.
About 13 years ago, after hearing
Dorsey recall again and again about Sunday dinners at his grandparents when he
was a child, I told him that if he'd move to Sacramento, he could join us for
"Sunday dinner" each week. Not
long after-- he did move, and so from then on he was our guest every Sunday
night. It was from these Sunday dinners,
that I got to know Dorsey even better, hearing about his childhood in North
Dakota and the history of his ancestors.
When the conversation turned to politics or society I often disagreed
with his thinking and wasn't shy about letting him know it, but I always knew
he loved me dearly despite my small protests and I'm pretty sure that he knew
that love was returned. That's the thing
about parental love-- it extends deep and beyond small differences.
Dorsey showed up. He was always there when I needed him:
A car with a dead battery
The task of moving a household
Putting up the Christmas lights
Repairing a broken chair
Driving me to the doctor when my back went out
The births of our children
The list goes on and on
Dorsey showed up for me, as I'm
sure he did for many others in his life.
In his later years, Dorsey was more
dependent on me than I of him which brings me to another important
characteristic of Dorsey and that was his sincere gratitude. After every meal at our home-- or trip to the
doctor-- or just visiting him, Dorsey always expressed a heartfelt gratitude. He didn't just toss out those words
"Thank you" ---he would always look at me clearly and directly--- to
make sure I was really paying attention--- and slowly say "thank
you." Often he would take both
Doug's hands in his and say, as if in prayer, "thank you, thank you, thank
you." He was truly thankful that we were involved
and active in his life and that we were taking care of him in his time of need. How could we not, when he had set such a
wonderful example for us to follow?
The third characteristic of Dorsey
that always amazed me was his devotion to his friends and his eagerness to keep
extended family connected. Nowadays we
keep in touch with our friends and family through email and Facebook, but Dorsey
was able to maintain friendships over time and distance without these
conveniences. For many years he wrote a
family newsletter in an attempt to keep his sons and grandchildren connected
with their cousins. As I'm sure many
would attest, Dorsey had a unique ability to connect with people on a deep
level---and that can lend itself to lifelong friendships.
Dorsey had his demons and struggles,
as many of us do-- in this often-difficult life. When he was six years old his beloved oldest
brother died suddenly of meningitis, and his younger sister, who also
contracted the disease, was ill for many months. His mother, who had lost two other children
as infants, seems to have shut down emotionally in her struggle to cope with
the loss. It was a story he often told
me because it had haunted him his entire life and was the cause of much of his
adult struggles. Maybe it was because of
this event however-- that he had such a high regard for family and such a need
to express his love and devotion to his three sons in a way--- that he felt had
been denied him.
So, it is for these simple but
important characteristics that I will most remember Dorsey:
-He showed up!
-He was a dependable and devoted father!
-He expressed gratitude freely and sincerely!
-He was a loyal friend and mentor to many!
And, here is what I have learned from
Dorsey and will try to apply to my own life:
First is--- that it doesn't really matter if I'm not perfect, don't
know what to do or what to say---just showing up counts for a lot and means a
lot in this life. Doing is better than
just thinking of doing----and trying is better than not trying. It really is the key to success.
Secondly, that loving and being there for those in my life,
especially for my children, trumps a lot of other activities I could be
doing. It is this devotion that helps
build a strong bond that forms the platform from which children grow. It is lifelong and just as important for
children when they are infants as when they are middle aged. It is this devotion that helps build up our
friends and empowers them for building up others we will never know.
Thirdly-- expressing my heartfelt gratitude is essential. As theologian Meister Eckhart wrote--
"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was "thank you",
that would suffice."
Dorsey's life has had a profound
effect on many ---and that effect, I'm certain, has spread to far many more--
who never even knew him---a legacy that many of us would be proud to have.
