Dorsey Frederick Davy

This is the remembrance I delivered on Nov. 17th, 2011, at the memorial service for my father in law, Dorsey F. Davy (1922-2011)

I tend to agree with Woody Allen, who once said,  that 80% of success is just showing up.  Certainly this is true of Dorsey, my father in law, who made it a point to show up at all the times you really wanted and needed a parent to show up.  My first encounter with Dorsey was on a trip to meet Doug's family in California.  There he was-- at the top of the escalator at SFO, eager to meet me, and excited about showing me the sights of San Francisco and the Bay.  The following summer Doug and I were working in northern Arizona and Dorsey drove from California to share our four-day mid-summer work break.

When Doug and I married a couple of years later, Dorsey ventured from California to my hometown in Kentucky, to attend our small wedding.  It is there he met and stayed with my parents, and got to know my family.  It connected us in a way that he would always remember and it is a trip that he would often recall to me, even quite recently.  Within a year of that trip both of my parents died.  I was 22 years old and from then on, Dorsey became the parent figure in my life. 

About 13 years ago, after hearing Dorsey recall again and again about Sunday dinners at his grandparents when he was a child, I told him that if he'd move to Sacramento, he could join us for "Sunday dinner" each week.  Not long after-- he did move, and so from then on he was our guest every Sunday night.  It was from these Sunday dinners, that I got to know Dorsey even better, hearing about his childhood in North Dakota and the history of his ancestors.  When the conversation turned to politics or society I often disagreed with his thinking and wasn't shy about letting him know it, but I always knew he loved me dearly despite my small protests and I'm pretty sure that he knew that love was returned.  That's the thing about parental love-- it extends deep and beyond small differences.

Dorsey showed up.  He was always there when I needed him:

A car with a dead battery

The task of moving a household

Putting up the Christmas lights

Repairing a broken chair

Driving me to the doctor when my back went out

The births of our children

The list goes on and on

Dorsey showed up for me, as I'm sure he did for many others in his life.

In his later years, Dorsey was more dependent on me than I of him which brings me to another important characteristic of Dorsey and that was his sincere gratitude.  After every meal at our home-- or trip to the doctor-- or just visiting him, Dorsey always expressed a heartfelt gratitude.  He didn't just toss out those words "Thank you" ---he would always look at me clearly and directly--- to make sure I was really paying attention--- and slowly say "thank you."  Often he would take both Doug's hands in his and say, as if in prayer, "thank you, thank you, thank you."    He was truly thankful that we were involved and active in his life and that we were taking care of him in his time of need.  How could we not, when he had set such a wonderful example for us to follow? 

The third characteristic of Dorsey that always amazed me was his devotion to his friends and his eagerness to keep extended family connected.  Nowadays we keep in touch with our friends and family through email and Facebook, but Dorsey was able to maintain friendships over time and distance without these conveniences.  For many years he wrote a family newsletter in an attempt to keep his sons and grandchildren connected with their cousins.  As I'm sure many would attest, Dorsey had a unique ability to connect with people on a deep level---and that can lend itself to lifelong friendships.

Dorsey had his demons and struggles, as many of us do-- in this often-difficult life.  When he was six years old his beloved oldest brother died suddenly of meningitis, and his younger sister, who also contracted the disease, was ill for many months.  His mother, who had lost two other children as infants, seems to have shut down emotionally in her struggle to cope with the loss.  It was a story he often told me because it had haunted him his entire life and was the cause of much of his adult struggles.  Maybe it was because of this event however-- that he had such a high regard for family and such a need to express his love and devotion to his three sons in a way--- that he felt had been denied him. 

So, it is for these simple but important characteristics that I will most remember Dorsey: 

-He showed up! 

-He was a dependable and devoted father!

-He expressed gratitude freely and sincerely!

-He was a loyal friend and mentor to many!

And, here is what I have learned from Dorsey and will try to apply to my own life:

First is--- that it doesn't really matter if I'm not perfect, don't know what to do or what to say---just showing up counts for a lot and means a lot in this life.  Doing is better than just thinking of doing----and trying is better than not trying.  It really is the key to success.

Secondly, that loving and being there for those in my life, especially for my children, trumps a lot of other activities I could be doing.  It is this devotion that helps build a strong bond that forms the platform from which children grow.  It is lifelong and just as important for children when they are infants as when they are middle aged.  It is this devotion that helps build up our friends and empowers them for building up others we will never know.

Thirdly-- expressing my heartfelt gratitude is essential.  As theologian Meister Eckhart wrote-- "If the only prayer you said in your whole life was "thank you", that would suffice."

Dorsey's life has had a profound effect on many ---and that effect, I'm certain, has spread to far many more-- who never even knew him---a legacy that many of us would be proud to have.

Link to Dorsey's obit from the Sacramento Bee