It’s been a busy week here in Carmichael. We are in the process of helping Doug’s 85-year-old dad move from his apartment nearby, to an assisted living facility. After a few months of talking to him about this possibility he was able to migrate from an attitude of strong resistance to an acceptance that it was the right time to make such a move. At first I think he didn’t understand the concept of “assisted living” and pictured a dreary dark nursing home where he would be “sent” to live out his days. His memory continues to decline steadily and the daily tasks of his simple life are increasingly more difficult, so living alone was less and less feasible or reasonable.
There is a part of me that feels guilty that I couldn’t or wouldn’t offer to take him into our home. Of course no one expected this of me or even asked, but I know that if I had offered, everyone involved would have been pleased with that option. He especially, would have loved to have been “taken in “ and cared for in our home. I think he’s feared this time of life since childhood. “Who will take care of me when I am old and feeble?” I suppose we all contemplate that question, in our quiet dark hours, when we aren’t pretending that some day we won’t die. We fear that the final road we take toward death might be a long and bumpy one, despite our hopes that some day we just.... will not wake up….. and that will be that.
All this brings to mind a story my mother often told about the time she agreed to take in an elderly relative who could no longer live alone. My mother always referred to her as “Cousin Nettie”, and it was only about ten years ago that I figured out that “Cousin Nettie” was the wife of my Dad’s first cousin twice removed. Obviously, Nettie was not a very “close relation” and I suspect that my mother had not had much prior contact with her. As Mom told the story, she agreed to take Nettie into our home and care for this elderly widow who had no children or other close relations. This must have been in the mid 1950’s and before I was born, but by then my mom would have had four young children. I suppose my mother was quite the optimist, a generous spirit, or perhaps just a bit naive. Apparently Nettie arrived and was soon discovered to be quite senile. It didn’t take my mother long, perhaps even days, to figure out that taking care of Nettie would be far beyond her capabilities. Of course the part of this story that we children remembered, is the most gruesome. When my parents decided to take Nettie to live in a nursing home in nearby Lyndon, KY, it was discovered by the staff that her hair was actually a wig that had grown to her head. Nettie died in that nursing home in 1958, a year before I was born. She was 87 years old. I suppose my mother related this story for years to come, as a cautionary tale and warning about getting in over your head or biting off more than you could chew. I’m sure that Mom didn’t regret her decision, to find another situation for Nettie, but I bet that she felt some guilt for not being able to be everything to everyone, all the time.
So, that brings me back to my father in law. I’m fairly certain that I would have been in over my head if I had tried to care for him here at home. Maybe I’m just too much a part of the “me” generation to put aside my own comfort enough to think about caring for an elderly person 24/7. Or, perhaps I just know my own personal and emotional limitations and am strong enough to adhere to them. His new place is about 4 minutes from our house. He’ll still be with us, as he has for years, for Sunday dinner each week. And, I will continue to take him to his medical appointments and weekly errands. He’s grateful and each time asks me what he would do without my help. Maybe it’s good to feel a bit guilty. Perhaps it’s a sign of a healthy conscience.
-Mary
2007
2007
Note: “Cousin Nettie” was Nettie L. Grout (1871-1958). She married Guy Noyes in Trempealeau, Wisconsin in 1896. Guy Noyes was the first cousin of my G Grandfather (Clarence Merriman). By 1910 Guy and Nettie had moved to Louisville, Kentucky and Guy appears to have worked for Clarence Merriman’s various businesses including his cafeteria and furniture company. A number of years ago I connected online with a distant cousin in this family. She was able to help me place “Cousin Nettie” into our family tree and sent me some photos she had of Nettie and Guy when they were a young, attractive, newly married couple. Guy Noyes died in 1934, leaving Nettie as a widow for 24 years until her death. They had no children.
No comments:
Post a Comment