My daughter has just started to reach the age when she can begin to see me in herself. You might remember this as a scary time when you find yourself saying, thinking or doing something just in the way you remember your mother or father would have. Often it is something that as a child or teen you found particularly annoying about your parent. Then, at some point, usually when you have children of your own, you hear your parents words coming out of your own mouth. You are shocked and surprised at you own utterance or behavior.
When my mother used to say something that sounded just like her own mother (my grandmother Emmy) my father would simply say “#2 Maple Crest Court”, which was my grandmother’s address. Often my mother fell silent and I’m sure felt “caught” at behaving exactly like her mother. You have to know about my grandmother, Emmy, to understand her influence. I’ll simply say that she was a very “proper” lady and good manners (especially table manners) were next to godliness in her book. She was often overwhelmed by a meal at our home, five children being just too much for her system to handle. Once she was asked partway into a meal why she wasn’t eating, and she replied that it was because one of my brothers didn’t have his napkin in his lap. The next time she came to our home for a dinner, my three brothers tested her by purposely not putting their napkins in their laps, just to see if she again refused to eat under such circumstances.
My mother wasn’t quite as much a stickler for perfect table manners but she did set fairly high standards. Most of the rules were standard things like, no elbows on the table, no “shoveling” of food into your mouth, no slouching, and no smacking of food while you chewed. If you were seen to be eating before grace was said, you would suffer the embarrassment of being pointedly asked to say the blessing and everyone had to wait while you quickly chewed and swallowed before you began, so that you could do so without breaking the “talking with your mouth full” rule. I don’t remember any stipulations about clothing except that the boys were not allowed to eat with their shirts off, even though in the summer they might have run around all day without a shirt. One brother, who was a teen at the time, tested this rule by sitting down to dinner shirtless. My mother’s response was to take her own shirt off and sit down to eat, covered on top only with her brassier. He was embarrassed and quickly went to put on a shirt. She had made her point.
Every Sunday evening for the past ten years or so my father in law has come over for “Sunday Dinner.” I wouldn’t say it’s exactly formal but we do eat in the dining room, not the kitchen, and I try to make it nice and somewhat special for him. But, lately, I find my grandmother Emmy popping up in myself at these meals. In my husband’s family tradition, for instance, toothpicks used at the table after dinner, are perfectly acceptable and seen as promoting good oral hygiene. But, inside my head Emmy and my mother are screaming foul. Another of my “issues” is that serving forks and spoons are often unused in favor of one’s own fork or spoon when retrieving food from a platter or dish. I politely and softly discourage this behavior, mostly with “Emmy like” looks across the table at my husband. When I express my dislike and discomfort with these behaviors, Doug calls it the “Emmy gene” kicking in. And, like my brothers response to my grandmother I believe that he enjoys testing my limits slightly, just for fun. This Sunday, I even threatened to brush my hair at the table after dinner, and announced that it was no different than grooming one’s teeth with a toothpick. Doug and his dad were appalled at the idea of a hairbrush at the table. Mind you this talk was all in jest, but I began to realize that it might be something that my own mother might have uttered. And, a comment like that would have embarrassed a younger and less bold me.
Now here is the thing, when I think about it, I am being just plain silly to be concerned with such things. There are no children at home to guide and instruct. It’s just the three of us and it’s not really a formal dinner. My father in law especially should be forgiven for any “Emmy violations” since he is elderly, frail, and his memory has pretty much slipped away. He didn’t grow up with the Emmy rules. I know that there were different social rules on the farm he grew up on in North Dakota, and I’ve certainly violated some of those. Instead I should just be grateful to have him for another Sunday dinner. He is almost 86, in poor health and there probably won’t be many more Sunday dinners with him. I’ve concluded that the ONLY reason that these things bother me is that they seemed to have been especially drilled into my psyche as a child. What is it about these things that come back to haunt you? Twenty years ago I probably would not have been bothered by less than “Emmy perfect” table manners. Am I turning into my strict grandmother, or my mother? It is interesting to me that this tendency to take on some of the annoying characteristics of our elders seems to become more apparent as we age. It is frightening at times. Do you agree? How have you "become" like your parent or grandparent?
-Mary
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